Let me start by saying today sucked. Plain and simple. Our first case of the day was a fetal demise which can I just tell you, as an outsider looking in, there is NOTHING worse than this. Nothing. It sucked enough for me but, damn it. Looking at that baby. There was NOTHING wrong with her. NOTHING. She was absolutely perfect. 10 fingers. 10 toes. I don't get it. I just don't. None of it will ever make sense to me. Never. I can ask why until the cows come home but, it will NEVER make sense.
Later today, I had a guy pass out in the booth across from me while eating his supper. I reached to see if he had a pulse and he came too. I called 911 but he refused help. I realized I knew what to do in an emergency situation I am just glad that I didn't have to.
As for my eating and staying on my "lifestyle changes" I did ok. I walked too and from work which was good, two miles, I drank my 64 oz of water and I ate descent most of the day. I went to Chinese food for dinner. I could make a plethera of excuses why I went, I wanted it so, I got it.
I have been seriously trying to kick this headache for two weeks now and it just keeps coming and going. Today it has gotten so bad, it throbs when I move my head. Yikes. Well, here's to hoping for a better day tomorrow. Bad day, not a bad life.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
A New Day.
I guess I really suck at this blogging thing. It has been a while since I have even been over here myself. Today is a new day. Yesterday, I had an epifany. I have hit my rock bottom. I am done. I should have been here a long time ago. Alas, I was not. Today is a new day. Even tho I have lost close to 50 pounds since starting this journey over a year ago, I feel just as fat as ever. It is ridiculous.
While I am 9 months post-op now, things are so not where I wanted them to be. I expected at least a new swimsuit this year. A nicer, possibly sexier one. Ya, not so much. This has been a pretty rough journey. Learning how to re-eat food and take a new thought about it is well, not as easy as it sounds. All you have to do is, chew slower, take smaller bites and take your time. You would think that would be easy. It has made me realize how much of a pig I really was. Trying to chew your food and eat slow because you know if you don't, it is going to get stuck and you are going to throw up STILL didn't stop me from eating fast. Eating fast is a TERRIBLY hard habit to break. I work in a world that doesn't allow for hour long lunch breaks, it just doesn't. CHEW your food, ENJOY your food. Nope, I still wasn't doing and pretty much throwing up, I'd say an average of 7 out of 10 meals.
So, now, here we are September 9, 2012. I am over it. I am done. Finished. Even though I am down 45 pounds from my start date, I feel as fat as I have ever been, again. I decided that I am going to try this plateau busters diet that is in my "Bandwagon" book and see how that starts off. (It's a 10 day, high protein, low carb diet) It is all about life style changing. I know these are all things that we should have started MONTHS before I had surgery. Things that if I would have done them, there would have been no need for surgery. I only have 45 pounds left to my goal weight. I am half way there. I GOT THIS. Please, I need a cheering section. People on my team who know I am doing and can do this! I got all my food portioned out last night. This is going to be something that I am going to have to start doing every weekend when I go shopping. Being prepared seriously, half the fight.
My goals for week number 1 are: Walk to work every day. 1 mile each way
Stay on task with my eating.
45 gm of protein
110 oz of water
My reward for week number 1 is, a new pair of exercise shoes. I need them badly.
I had already planned on starting on this "lifestyle" change earlier in the week and then my good friend Michelle showed me this picture last night. I wanted to cry. How did I let myself get so big and icky. It was 9 years ago when this photo was taken but, my god, what was I doing to myself? Also, attached is a recent picute. I've come a long way already but the road to travel is still long. Thank you so much for your support.
While I am 9 months post-op now, things are so not where I wanted them to be. I expected at least a new swimsuit this year. A nicer, possibly sexier one. Ya, not so much. This has been a pretty rough journey. Learning how to re-eat food and take a new thought about it is well, not as easy as it sounds. All you have to do is, chew slower, take smaller bites and take your time. You would think that would be easy. It has made me realize how much of a pig I really was. Trying to chew your food and eat slow because you know if you don't, it is going to get stuck and you are going to throw up STILL didn't stop me from eating fast. Eating fast is a TERRIBLY hard habit to break. I work in a world that doesn't allow for hour long lunch breaks, it just doesn't. CHEW your food, ENJOY your food. Nope, I still wasn't doing and pretty much throwing up, I'd say an average of 7 out of 10 meals.
So, now, here we are September 9, 2012. I am over it. I am done. Finished. Even though I am down 45 pounds from my start date, I feel as fat as I have ever been, again. I decided that I am going to try this plateau busters diet that is in my "Bandwagon" book and see how that starts off. (It's a 10 day, high protein, low carb diet) It is all about life style changing. I know these are all things that we should have started MONTHS before I had surgery. Things that if I would have done them, there would have been no need for surgery. I only have 45 pounds left to my goal weight. I am half way there. I GOT THIS. Please, I need a cheering section. People on my team who know I am doing and can do this! I got all my food portioned out last night. This is going to be something that I am going to have to start doing every weekend when I go shopping. Being prepared seriously, half the fight.
My goals for week number 1 are: Walk to work every day. 1 mile each way
Stay on task with my eating.
45 gm of protein
110 oz of water
My reward for week number 1 is, a new pair of exercise shoes. I need them badly.
I had already planned on starting on this "lifestyle" change earlier in the week and then my good friend Michelle showed me this picture last night. I wanted to cry. How did I let myself get so big and icky. It was 9 years ago when this photo was taken but, my god, what was I doing to myself? Also, attached is a recent picute. I've come a long way already but the road to travel is still long. Thank you so much for your support.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Band tightening number 3
The first time I got my band filled was on December 27, 2011, I got 5 CCs put into it. That really didn't do much to change my eating habits. I lost the bulk of my weight during the first month post op. I got my second fill on January 16th ish. I got 2.1ccs added. The first 4 days of that were miserable, I lost 5 pounds. I couldn't eat anything. I pretty much drank everything. But after the fourth day or so, I could eat just fine with pretty much no restrictions. Now, I have gotten my band tightened again. Yesterday I got 1 cc added. I am now up to 8.1 ccs in my band. I went to dinner last night (full well knowing that I should be on a liquid diet for 24 hours) and I tried to eat a chicken wing. Ya, nice try. It got lodged in my band and I must have thrown up 5 times and I still couldn't get it out. First I made Aurora pull over on the Interstate so that I could throw up and later I had to make Shawn. It hurt so bad. Like an elephant sitting on my chest. It was miserable.
I was out to dinner with Shawn and his two daughters and I have been craving wings. I thought I would just take a few bites and chew well, and I would be ok. Well, I guess I didn't chew as well as I thought I did. As today is day 2 with this new band size, I am scared to eat anything. The food addict in me is saying, you have all those left over wings in the fridge, just try them again. This is how sick food has made me. It made me physically ill but I want to try anyway?! What and the hell is wrong with me. This journey to a healthier me is crap. I am angry and frustrated. Not with my band, but with me. I seriously need help with this. I want to exercise more and I want to feel better about myself but, I can't find the motivation within myself to just get up and do it.
I got Jillian Michaels Body Revolution and I am super excited to get it. On her website, my goal weight should be met by 09/24/12 if I just do regular exercise, if I do this, it could potentially be before then.
I need all the encouragement I can get. I can do this. I deserve this, I am strong enough for this.
I was out to dinner with Shawn and his two daughters and I have been craving wings. I thought I would just take a few bites and chew well, and I would be ok. Well, I guess I didn't chew as well as I thought I did. As today is day 2 with this new band size, I am scared to eat anything. The food addict in me is saying, you have all those left over wings in the fridge, just try them again. This is how sick food has made me. It made me physically ill but I want to try anyway?! What and the hell is wrong with me. This journey to a healthier me is crap. I am angry and frustrated. Not with my band, but with me. I seriously need help with this. I want to exercise more and I want to feel better about myself but, I can't find the motivation within myself to just get up and do it.
I got Jillian Michaels Body Revolution and I am super excited to get it. On her website, my goal weight should be met by 09/24/12 if I just do regular exercise, if I do this, it could potentially be before then.
I need all the encouragement I can get. I can do this. I deserve this, I am strong enough for this.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
45 days post-op
This journey has been quite a roller-coaster. I haven't had many issues and I have been very grateful for that. I had another fill on Thursday and my band is now up to 7ccs. The highest my bad can go up to is 11, but, I doubt that I will go much higher than where I am now. I am very happy about it today. Thursday and Friday, not so much. Today, I am happy.
I ended up getting the day off from work on Thursday and so, I called Dr. Merz's office to see if they could fit me in for an appointment - it was a week earlier than my originally scheduled appointment. I haven't been happy with the way my band has been. I could still eat an entire jimmy johns sandwich and I was not happy about that. I should not be able to eat that much. I asked if I could get a fill early. They were able to fit me in. I stepped on the scale and I was down 2 pounds from my appt 2 weeks earlier. I was happy about that but, still wishing that it was more. I know, I am doing great but still, I want faster results!
When I got home that afternoon, I am supposed to be on a soft diet for 24 hours. Well, I was hungry and I wanted something yummy so, I went to Taco Bell. I know, but they do have beans which are soft and high in protein so, I thought that would be a good choice, especially since I was about to drive 45 minutes to Shawns house. I got a burrito with just beans and thought that would be a good choice. I took a few small bites and was about 15 minutes on the road. I had to pull over and throw-up. It was aweful. I did not want to experience that again. I was able to open the burrito and eat 2 bites of the beans and I was done. I was frustrated. I love to eat. This is NOT how I want it to be. It is how it SHOULD be but, I don't like it, at all. So, the next day, I have to work. I get up and have 2 bites of yogurt and 2 sips of hot chocolate. That is all that I can manage to suck down, the entire day. Friday evening, I was able to choke down 1/2 a cup of rice which was yummy. Saturday, I got up and was able to drink a little bit of powerade. I got called into work and hadn't had a chance to get anything to eat and I had to go into a case at work. Toward the end of the case, I started to feel faint and just about passed out. I sat down on a chair and carried on with the case. Fortunately, the case was almost over and I was able to drop and get something to drink. Around 4pm, I knew I needed to eat something. I tried some Fresh Mozzarella and a tomatoe and it was delicious!! It went down easy and I felt like I was getting some strength back!
Today, for breakfast, I had 2 scrambled eggs with one mushroom and a piece of fresh moz. It went down perfect and was high in protein. What I need to get the most of every day.
As I got on the scale this morning, I am down 25 pounds in 45 days. Not too bad. I am happy. My victory for the day was, I had a box of clothes that contained 3 of my favorite pair of pants in. I had totally forgotten about them until I was in my closet this morning. I decided I would pull them down and see if they fit yet. Squeee! I am so excited. Its a good thing that I found them now, I will get a few weeks wear out of them, they are almost too big!! I will post pictures later today. I am so excited about how things are going, where my life is going and how I am feeling.
It's a good day. I am so tired, I hope that will pick up as I get my eating more regularly.
Thank you to those who are supporting me and loving me during this difficult time yet extremely happy for me.
I ended up getting the day off from work on Thursday and so, I called Dr. Merz's office to see if they could fit me in for an appointment - it was a week earlier than my originally scheduled appointment. I haven't been happy with the way my band has been. I could still eat an entire jimmy johns sandwich and I was not happy about that. I should not be able to eat that much. I asked if I could get a fill early. They were able to fit me in. I stepped on the scale and I was down 2 pounds from my appt 2 weeks earlier. I was happy about that but, still wishing that it was more. I know, I am doing great but still, I want faster results!
When I got home that afternoon, I am supposed to be on a soft diet for 24 hours. Well, I was hungry and I wanted something yummy so, I went to Taco Bell. I know, but they do have beans which are soft and high in protein so, I thought that would be a good choice, especially since I was about to drive 45 minutes to Shawns house. I got a burrito with just beans and thought that would be a good choice. I took a few small bites and was about 15 minutes on the road. I had to pull over and throw-up. It was aweful. I did not want to experience that again. I was able to open the burrito and eat 2 bites of the beans and I was done. I was frustrated. I love to eat. This is NOT how I want it to be. It is how it SHOULD be but, I don't like it, at all. So, the next day, I have to work. I get up and have 2 bites of yogurt and 2 sips of hot chocolate. That is all that I can manage to suck down, the entire day. Friday evening, I was able to choke down 1/2 a cup of rice which was yummy. Saturday, I got up and was able to drink a little bit of powerade. I got called into work and hadn't had a chance to get anything to eat and I had to go into a case at work. Toward the end of the case, I started to feel faint and just about passed out. I sat down on a chair and carried on with the case. Fortunately, the case was almost over and I was able to drop and get something to drink. Around 4pm, I knew I needed to eat something. I tried some Fresh Mozzarella and a tomatoe and it was delicious!! It went down easy and I felt like I was getting some strength back!
Today, for breakfast, I had 2 scrambled eggs with one mushroom and a piece of fresh moz. It went down perfect and was high in protein. What I need to get the most of every day.
As I got on the scale this morning, I am down 25 pounds in 45 days. Not too bad. I am happy. My victory for the day was, I had a box of clothes that contained 3 of my favorite pair of pants in. I had totally forgotten about them until I was in my closet this morning. I decided I would pull them down and see if they fit yet. Squeee! I am so excited. Its a good thing that I found them now, I will get a few weeks wear out of them, they are almost too big!! I will post pictures later today. I am so excited about how things are going, where my life is going and how I am feeling.
It's a good day. I am so tired, I hope that will pick up as I get my eating more regularly.
Thank you to those who are supporting me and loving me during this difficult time yet extremely happy for me.
Monday, January 2, 2012
January 2, 2012
I remember thinking when it's the year 2000, I will be 28. Holy cow, I will be old. LOL. It is now 2012 and I am 40 and guess what?! I'm still not old!!! :) Life is getting better and better every day. I have decided that I am not going to do any resolutions, just monthly goals. The goals for the month of January are to walk/run 50 miles, do Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and to read 4 books this month. So far, I am half way thru my first book and on day 2 of the shred. I went walking around today but, not too much, Wal-mart, Kohls and that's pretty much it. So, I will keep the faith with the walking/running but, as for now, reading and doing the 30 day shred are going to keep me pretty busy.
Happy New Year. May you keep all your resoluitions, goals and dreams.
Happy New Year. May you keep all your resoluitions, goals and dreams.
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