30 Days Post Op!!!

So, I had really hoped that I would blog a little more often than I have been but, to be honest with you, there hasn't really been much to say! Today though, I am 30 days post op and not only do I feel amazing, I am down 22 pounds!! I got my first fill in my band the other day and things did change and that is good becasue I was feeling a bit discouraged. I have heard a lot of statements about how people can't eat certain things because they get caught in your band or they are hard to eat and to me, that was good. Most of the things were things, I shouldn't be eating anyway however, after I got back to solid foods, I was able to eat anything, nothing ever got stuck in my band, but nothing was hindering me from eating the things that I shouldn't. I know that I shouldn't use that as a way to help curb what I eat but, you have to understand, food is like a drug to me, a drug you can't live without. A drug that you have to have but, only in moderation. It is so hard sometimes. I want to cry. Could you imagine telling a crack addict, it's ok to smoke but, only take 1 hit, then stop. I know that sounds extreem but, it is the truth. Food WILL KILL ME. Maybe not today or tomorrow but, SOMEDAY and so will crack! Now that I have had my band filled, I MUST eat slower, take smaller bites and chew my food so that it doesn't get stuck at band opening. My stomach is smaller now. I can't eat nearly as much as I could at one time. It's amazing. I don't necessarily see a difference in my body but, my clothes are starting to get baggy. I had to retire my favorite pair of jeans and that, while made me sad, made me so happy at the same time. I am at the beginning of the road to a very long journey. I am excited, nervous, scared but most of all, I am ready. I want this.

 I bought a Wii for myself for Christmas. It is so much fun! I bought the Zumba which I am yet to try but, am planning on starting Monday. I have been doing the Black Eyed Pea Experience and Just Dance, SO FUN! Let me tell you, you sweat!!!

So, I do have one and only one New Year's resolution and that is to run the Baystate Marathon on my 41st birthday in October. I have nearly 11 months to train. I am hoping to do the full but, will be happy with myself if I can complete the half, which seems more realistic to me!

Back to work!

Today I am 13 days post op and I went back to work. I feel good but today was extremly hard. I was super tired and the effects of not being able to take NSAIDs is really taking its toll. My back and knees were in a lot of pain today. I managed to keep a smile and a good attitude for most of the day. I snapped at one of my evening charge nurses and she put me right back in my place. I am glad she checked me. I got a lot of compliments on how great I already look which well, who would get sick of hearing that? Whether it was just to make me feel good or it was the truth, it helped me keep going. It is going to be a hard week. This is my 3-12s back to back so, it makes for a rough, long week. But, my mom and sister will be here on Friday so, I am pretty excited about that. I am also looking forward my dad arriving which will probably be Sunday Afternoon! I have some of my roxicet left and I took it right when I got home. I wish that stuff wasn't addictive. I think I am going to make an appointment to see a pain control doctor, if this doesn't get better :(

Day 10

Well, I got up and weighed myself this morning. Day 10. Down 15 pounds. I am so excited. I have been getting bored with my food choices so, I stepped it up a bit when at the store yesterday. Trying to find better, stuff that I could add to my protein shakes. I found some REALLY YUMMY Mango Peach Frozen Yogurt. Then I added some milk, ice and a banana. YUM-O! On Wednesday, I get to have Mashed Potatoes! I have never been so excited to have mashed potatoes. That is what is on the menu for Christmas Dinner. MP! LOL I have been eating Gerber Baby food (fruits and desserts) most of the week and honestly, it's not bad. It is super easy and just the right size! Everything is going well. I am feeling 98% physically, the only complaint I have right now is one of the five incisions that I got is still a bit sore when I bed over. That too shall pass. Busy week this week. I am on Call Monday, I work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I'm on call Thursday night and Friday night and Saturday. My mom and sister will be here Friday and I have my first post op check Thursday so exciting!!! :) Have a great week everyone!

13 Pounds!!

Let me start by saying, this has NOT been an easy week. It was not as hard as I thought it might be but, I LOST 13 Pounds this week!! I haven't eaten any solid foods this week. I have been drinking my meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner. I have had to drink my Prozac even (which tastes HORRID) and I have to forgo taking my Adderall which hasn't caused too many issues, yet. LOL My ADHD has been ok, tho I haven't been able to get the house cleaned with sort of being all over the place. I do have some immediate release pills but, since I am not allowed to take pills yet, so, I will have to start crushing it up and putting it in my protein shake! This week I have had a lot of time to think about my relationship with food. It has been very good that I have not been hungry or this could have been a horrific week. I have realized that my relationship with food has been the love of my life. It is always there when I need it, it never lets me down and it always satisfies. I look back over the course of my life and can't even begin to imagine how much money I have spent on food and eating out. That WAS my love. WAS. I have been working so very hard this past year to get my life right. I have mental issues, I have body image issues, I never realized how much was wrong until I started trying to make things right. Seems weird how you go along living your life thinking that everything is fine and you fix one little thing you think is wrong and everything falls apart! But in the last year, I have managed to get all the pieces of the puzzle put together. In 2011, so much has happened. I was hospitalized for my mental health issues for the LAST, let me repeat LAST time, I met the love of my life, I became a grandmother, I turned 40, and now, I am getting my physical health in order. I feel so good! It's almost Euphoric! Maybe it's the pain meds! LOL Anyway, all of that being said! If you are reading this, THANK YOU. You are the reason that I am getting well. You are supporting me. My family and friends have been such an important part of this recovery. I am so excited to go back to work, start eating food again and I am actually looking forward to maybe, just maybe trying to ENJOY exercise. How about that? When I started this journey back in October of 2010, I weighed 260, I lost 35 pounds and got down to 225 and then gained 15 back. When I got on the scale the morning of surgery, I was 241, this morning, 228. 13 Pounds.

Day 5

Blah. I have a lot of errands to run today and things to do and quite honestly, I feel like straight shit. I am tired and weak and so sleepy. I feel like my band is in my throat and that puking may be in my near future. Fun times. I have already taken Toria to school, come home, decorated a cake, delivered said cake, drank my protein shake. I still have to go to the Bank, go pick up a DVD, go pay rent and go get Toria from school this afternoon. I think right now tho, I am going to climb back into bed and take a nappy poo.

Day 4

Gah. Talk about an uncomfortable feeling. I ate some jello today and I think I got a piece a little too big and it got stuck on the way down. It feels like I have a pill stuck in my throat and it is rather uncomfortable. I have also had ridiculous gas since I got home. Seriously, that can go away at any time now. The diarrhea is really the best tho. LOL All kidding aside, I still feel pretty darn good for all that I have been through. I just went through my first stressful situation with a friend of mine and honestly, want to eat the house down but, can't and surprisingly, I am ok with it. Made myself a little cup of chicken broth, letting go of that anxious feeling of wanting to do something but not being physically able to is good. Honestly, I feel like this is the only way to break the cycle. My hand being forced. I would choke if I ate solid food like I want to. I often think about all of the times that I should have just diverted my attention to something else instead of eating. Would I be where I am now? I think that I would like start to exercise when I want to eat. How awesome would that be? I know I need to start exercising more. I can start now by walking 30 minutes a day. I am going to start that tomorrow. I know, I am the ultimate procrastinator but, I really am. It's on my list of things to do. My therapist told me that I am important enough to care enough about me to do nice things for me, starting now. Ok, pain meds are kicking in and I think I am starting to ramble. LOL

Day 3 Post-Op

I feel incredible! I am taking my Flintstones, drinking my protein shakes and water and rocking this recovery. I feel good! I haven't taken any pain medication except to sleep at night which makes me feel good. However, I am going to take some this morning because I am going to take a shower and take off all the bandages from the 5 incisions that I have! I can't wait to see the incision repair that I got too!! One of my scars from after my gallbladder removal keloided and was big and ugly so, Dr. Merz cut it out and gave me a pretty new scar, I hope! I need some adhesive remover too. I have sticky tape all over my arm from my IV and now, I am going to have it all over my belly from these tegaderms. Oh well. This is so exciting. This is just not going like I had thought it would be and I couldn't be happier about that. I KNOW this is just the beginning but, if I can get my head on right about food, I can do, this! I WILL do this. I am sorry if I keep saying the same shit over and over again, I just have to keep reminding myself that I can do this. I can do this. I can do this!

First night home.

Wow, I am shocked at how great I feel. I really am. I mean, I am wicked tired but, my incisions don't hurt like they did after I had my gallbladder out. After my gallbladder, I had to sleep sitting up for 2 weeks I hurt so badly. Last night, with pillows tucked in the appropriate places, I slept on my side with little discomfort. I am having my first breakfast at home, 1 cup of protein supplement. At least it's chocolate and it tastes good. I feel a bit weird and out of it from all the pain meds that I have been taking but, I haven't had any since 3am and I still feel ok. I look at my belly and I see these 5 incisions and think, what have I done? I finally made a change for me. I did something for me, because I wanted too. I am proud of myself for that. I am learning that what I am going thru is serious mourning. Like, I see a commercial for a big fat hamburger and think, oh, that's what I want and then I remember, oh, you can't have that. And then I just think about how much I would love to but then I also remember how eating like that got me here in the first place. I love food. It never lets me down. It never wrongs me and it always makes me feel better. And, now, I must change my relationship with it. We will be friends, not lovers. I will eat to live, not live to eat. Please, spare any prayers you have for me, I know I will need them.

Next step, surgery.

Today was the last step before surgery. I keep thinking that I am doing the last step and then something else pops up! LOL Today I had my pre-op appointment at the hospital. They made sure that I wasn't ill, that I my blood pressure was good and that I didn't have any off the wall, unexpected disease. LOL I thought the apt would only be like 30 minutes, turned out it was 90. I also talked to the person who deals with the Bariatric patients. She was super nice. She went over all sorts of information with me and my diet and what habits I should start working on first. The one I think I am going to have the most trouble with is no drinking while eating.....should be interesting. Nothing to drink 20 minutes before, 20 minutes after meals. Oh well. I am super excited. I am nervous but excited. Here we go.

3 Days and counting!

OH MY GEE! 3 Days until surgery. Only one more work day and 3 more sleeps. I have been working as hard as I can on the high protein diet but, man, I am not going to eat solid food for almost 2 months....No more soda, EVER, no more beer, EVER, no more caramels, EVER, no bread or sticky stuff. These are my last days to enjoy food. Something that has been my friend, my companion, my confidant. My food, never lets me down. Always there when I need it and never disappoints. Now, I have to make smart food choices. I can't just binge eat because that is what makes me feel good. Not that I probably won't try to at some point but from my understanding, it will probably make me sick. And hopefully, I won't do that again. I feel like I am emotionally ready for this. I want this. I need this. I will ask that my friends and family that are helping support me through this difficult time and not offer me food, goodies or anything that a fatty shouldn't have :) Love you all.

My Last Supper.

I have waited for this day for a year. Tomorrow, I start the high protein diet that I need to help shrink my liver in order to make my surgery easier. I am wondering what I am going to have for supper tonight. I really want to have something yummy but, I am just not sure what I am going to have. Something fatty and probably uber not good for me. I also have to have my last soda today. I am going to make it a great big one, a Dr. Pepper. It's my favorite! I am really not looking forward to going thru the next two weeks but, I am willing to do what I must in order to make this surgery as easy as possible for my surgeon :) Wish me luck!!

Scheduled!

Surgery is scheduled for November 30, 2011 0730. I have to be to the hospital at 0600 and go npo post midnight! OMG. I can't believe that a day is finally set and that it is really here! Wednesday, I have to start the diet, the high protein diet. I need to find that today. GAH! What the heck. I am totally freaking out. I wanted this, I asked for this and now, I just can't wait for it to be done!! :)

Houston, we are a go!

Holy Cow!! Its really happening! My surgery was approved!! I am scheduled to have it done on either the 30th of November or the 5th of December, depending on how much FMLA I have left. It took way more time to get the approval that I had hoped but, I am so glad that it is finally here. I will start my high protein diet on Wednesday the 16th. So much has gone on over the last month to get here and now I am worried about my co-workers reaction because I have already missed so much work. Trying to take care of myself. I have never been in a position in my life to take care of me, and get myself in order and it has been great. I hate the thoughts of people being upset with me but, really, if I am not in good health, both mentally and physically, what use am I to anyone else? Now that I have my mental health in order, it is time to get my physical health in order. The last thing that I have to take care of after this is, my back but, I am not sure what can really be done about that. I was told I am not a canidate for Surgery, yet - tho that was a few months ago. I am going to have another MRI to figure out if things there have gotten any worse. They feel like they have but, who knows. Maybe after I get some of this weight off, my back will start to feel better. Only time will tell.

I want to Scream!

I had what I thought was going to be my last consult and that today, everything was going to go to the insurance and hopefully, I would have an answer by the end of the week. Blah. I still have to have ONE more Pre-op / Post-op teaching with the RN. I didn't know that I had to have this before I could submit to insurance. Gah. I am so tired of all the hoopala. My main concern now, is, it is the end of the year, my deductible is met and I want to get this done. The problem is, do I go back to work for a week or two until I get approval and then take the time off again. I don't want anyone at work being upset with me about taking so much time off but, I am trying to get "me" taken care of. Hopefully then, I will be like new and able to not miss any more work and get this done.

October 9, 2011

Nerve wracking! I only have two more things to do before my paperwork gets sent in for approval. Tomorrow, I start the liver shrinking diet. It helps shrink your liver to make the surgery easier. You are supposed to start 14 days before surgery but, Dr. Merz said that since I have already lost some weight, I won't have to do it for as long, Tomorrow is the 10th and I am being VERY optimistic by hoping that I can have it done on the 17th but, more likely the 18th or 24. On Tuesday, I have one last appointment with an RN over the phone to go over all of my paperwork, any unanswered questions and then Wednesday morning, I have a phone consult to go over pre-op instructions and then they submit everything! :) I am getting so nervous and excited. I am so ready for this. I have slowly started making the necessary changes to get this done. The diet that I have to do for the next 7-14 days is going to be hard. It's basically Eggs, protein shakes, cream of wheat, lean protein, a few veggies and broth. But, I am ready for this change, I am going to do it! :)

Closer.....closer......closer....

So, I got a call tonight from the Carewise program. They are the company that you have to do the 6 month weight loss planning with before they will send off your papers to insurance. I just have a few things left to do: ~Pre-op appointment with Primary Care Physician to get clearance for surgery ~Blood work ~Dietician consultation (phone) ~RN Consultation (phone) ~Pre-op instruction phone call ~Application to insurance ~SURGERY!! I am slowly making the changes to get ready for surgery. Giving up soda is the hardest one. I really wish that I didn't like it as much as I do. It's all good. I need this and I want this and I am not going to give it up because I can never have soda again. I love shrimp but, I am allergic to it and eating it could kill me - as could eating all this shit that is making me fat. Get with the program jackass.

Past meets Present

My name is Lesa. I am addicted to food. I have been for a very long time. I have been overweight my entire adult life. I became pregnant at the age of 17 and gained 80 pounds. I was 155 pounds when I got pregnant and weighed 235 when I delivered. I was able to get down to 180 but, never got off that last 25 pounds. 8 Months later, I got pregnant again and again, gained about 60 pounds. After I delivered, I got down to 205, now, I am carrying around an extra 55 pounds. My weight slowly crept up over the next 3 pregnancies I managed to gain 65 pounds and keep it on. At the age of 34, I was at a whopping 270! It was more than I could take. I decided to do something about it. In 2005 Gastric Bypass Surgery was all the rage. I slowly started taking steps to have the surgery done. Saw a nutritionist, had an endoscopy, heart stress tests, met with a surgeon - at Stanford Hospital- A world renowned Bariatric Surgical Hospital. I was approved for surgery and then the blow that I wasn't expecting came....my insurance denied. I was WELL over 100 pounds overweight. I didn't even think to check, my insurance doesn't cover ANY weight loss surgery. I was devastated. I decided right then and there, I was going to do something about it. Well, I didn't.Over the next year, I came to terms with the fact that I was going to be fat forever. That was it. In December of 2005, I started working with one of my friends, Michelle Quinones. She was working really hard to lose weight and was succeeding. She encouraged me to do the same. I did. I lost an amazing 60 pounds! I was all the way down to 210! The first time I had been this low in years!! I still had 40 pounds to lose but, I was determined to get it off. Well, life throws curve balls that you are not always ready for. I moved to Colorado to help take care of my grandmother. I was caring for her during the day and working in the evening. It was not a good situation for a regular eating schedule. I was up late and getting up too early. The weight slowly came back. It took a few years to come back but, I gained about 50 of the 60 pounds I lost! Over the next few years, I moved around and just came to terms with the fact that I was just going to be fat and that was it.... I was able to lose some of that weight again but, it always came back. In June of 2010, I graduated from college and received my Certification as a Surgical Technologist. I started looking for a job in Denver. I was not successful. I moved from Denver to Portland to Kearney over the next few months and was living in hotels. Eating out. I was back up to 260 and starting a new job. I was standing on my feet 8 hours a day, I was tired and my back hurt. A new friend at the hospital was going to be having lap band surgery - I started looking into it. Looking at insurance first. My insurance does cover it. There were a lot of requirements but, I thought, what the heck, I'll try it. The first requirement was to enroll in the Carewise program for a minimum of six months prior to surgery. During that six months, I started doing Nutrisystems and managed to take off 30 pounds. I was tickled. I finished the six month program in April. As the time has ticked on, I have managed to keep 25 pounds off. But, I just had surgery and am not allowed to exercise for the next 4 weeks, at most. So, about a month ago, I decided that I want to have the surgery. My life is really good right now. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a great job, a nice home and vehicle. The one piece of my life that I can't seem to get together is my weight. It isn't that I don't know how to lose weight, I don't know how to keep it off. This surgery is a tool that I can use to help me keep it off. I am very excited. I have completed most of the steps in order to have the surgery. I had to go to a Group meeting about the surgery, I had a consultation with my surgeon, I had to have a psychological evaluation, completed the six month weight loss program and met with a Nutritionist. The only things that I have left to do are meet with my Primary Care Doctor to release me for surgery and have some blood work done and get approval from my insurance. I am already off work for the next 4 weeks and I am hoping that I will be able to have the surgery done during my time off and not miss any extra time. I am going to keep this online blog to update my daily progress and struggles so that others who are considering the surgery will have a good idea of what it will be like to go through. The pictures below are all of me at my heaviest. 270