30 Days Post Op!!!

So, I had really hoped that I would blog a little more often than I have been but, to be honest with you, there hasn't really been much to say! Today though, I am 30 days post op and not only do I feel amazing, I am down 22 pounds!! I got my first fill in my band the other day and things did change and that is good becasue I was feeling a bit discouraged. I have heard a lot of statements about how people can't eat certain things because they get caught in your band or they are hard to eat and to me, that was good. Most of the things were things, I shouldn't be eating anyway however, after I got back to solid foods, I was able to eat anything, nothing ever got stuck in my band, but nothing was hindering me from eating the things that I shouldn't. I know that I shouldn't use that as a way to help curb what I eat but, you have to understand, food is like a drug to me, a drug you can't live without. A drug that you have to have but, only in moderation. It is so hard sometimes. I want to cry. Could you imagine telling a crack addict, it's ok to smoke but, only take 1 hit, then stop. I know that sounds extreem but, it is the truth. Food WILL KILL ME. Maybe not today or tomorrow but, SOMEDAY and so will crack! Now that I have had my band filled, I MUST eat slower, take smaller bites and chew my food so that it doesn't get stuck at band opening. My stomach is smaller now. I can't eat nearly as much as I could at one time. It's amazing. I don't necessarily see a difference in my body but, my clothes are starting to get baggy. I had to retire my favorite pair of jeans and that, while made me sad, made me so happy at the same time. I am at the beginning of the road to a very long journey. I am excited, nervous, scared but most of all, I am ready. I want this.

 I bought a Wii for myself for Christmas. It is so much fun! I bought the Zumba which I am yet to try but, am planning on starting Monday. I have been doing the Black Eyed Pea Experience and Just Dance, SO FUN! Let me tell you, you sweat!!!

So, I do have one and only one New Year's resolution and that is to run the Baystate Marathon on my 41st birthday in October. I have nearly 11 months to train. I am hoping to do the full but, will be happy with myself if I can complete the half, which seems more realistic to me!

Back to work!

Today I am 13 days post op and I went back to work. I feel good but today was extremly hard. I was super tired and the effects of not being able to take NSAIDs is really taking its toll. My back and knees were in a lot of pain today. I managed to keep a smile and a good attitude for most of the day. I snapped at one of my evening charge nurses and she put me right back in my place. I am glad she checked me. I got a lot of compliments on how great I already look which well, who would get sick of hearing that? Whether it was just to make me feel good or it was the truth, it helped me keep going. It is going to be a hard week. This is my 3-12s back to back so, it makes for a rough, long week. But, my mom and sister will be here on Friday so, I am pretty excited about that. I am also looking forward my dad arriving which will probably be Sunday Afternoon! I have some of my roxicet left and I took it right when I got home. I wish that stuff wasn't addictive. I think I am going to make an appointment to see a pain control doctor, if this doesn't get better :(

Day 10

Well, I got up and weighed myself this morning. Day 10. Down 15 pounds. I am so excited. I have been getting bored with my food choices so, I stepped it up a bit when at the store yesterday. Trying to find better, stuff that I could add to my protein shakes. I found some REALLY YUMMY Mango Peach Frozen Yogurt. Then I added some milk, ice and a banana. YUM-O! On Wednesday, I get to have Mashed Potatoes! I have never been so excited to have mashed potatoes. That is what is on the menu for Christmas Dinner. MP! LOL I have been eating Gerber Baby food (fruits and desserts) most of the week and honestly, it's not bad. It is super easy and just the right size! Everything is going well. I am feeling 98% physically, the only complaint I have right now is one of the five incisions that I got is still a bit sore when I bed over. That too shall pass. Busy week this week. I am on Call Monday, I work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I'm on call Thursday night and Friday night and Saturday. My mom and sister will be here Friday and I have my first post op check Thursday so exciting!!! :) Have a great week everyone!

13 Pounds!!

Let me start by saying, this has NOT been an easy week. It was not as hard as I thought it might be but, I LOST 13 Pounds this week!! I haven't eaten any solid foods this week. I have been drinking my meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner. I have had to drink my Prozac even (which tastes HORRID) and I have to forgo taking my Adderall which hasn't caused too many issues, yet. LOL My ADHD has been ok, tho I haven't been able to get the house cleaned with sort of being all over the place. I do have some immediate release pills but, since I am not allowed to take pills yet, so, I will have to start crushing it up and putting it in my protein shake! This week I have had a lot of time to think about my relationship with food. It has been very good that I have not been hungry or this could have been a horrific week. I have realized that my relationship with food has been the love of my life. It is always there when I need it, it never lets me down and it always satisfies. I look back over the course of my life and can't even begin to imagine how much money I have spent on food and eating out. That WAS my love. WAS. I have been working so very hard this past year to get my life right. I have mental issues, I have body image issues, I never realized how much was wrong until I started trying to make things right. Seems weird how you go along living your life thinking that everything is fine and you fix one little thing you think is wrong and everything falls apart! But in the last year, I have managed to get all the pieces of the puzzle put together. In 2011, so much has happened. I was hospitalized for my mental health issues for the LAST, let me repeat LAST time, I met the love of my life, I became a grandmother, I turned 40, and now, I am getting my physical health in order. I feel so good! It's almost Euphoric! Maybe it's the pain meds! LOL Anyway, all of that being said! If you are reading this, THANK YOU. You are the reason that I am getting well. You are supporting me. My family and friends have been such an important part of this recovery. I am so excited to go back to work, start eating food again and I am actually looking forward to maybe, just maybe trying to ENJOY exercise. How about that? When I started this journey back in October of 2010, I weighed 260, I lost 35 pounds and got down to 225 and then gained 15 back. When I got on the scale the morning of surgery, I was 241, this morning, 228. 13 Pounds.

Day 5

Blah. I have a lot of errands to run today and things to do and quite honestly, I feel like straight shit. I am tired and weak and so sleepy. I feel like my band is in my throat and that puking may be in my near future. Fun times. I have already taken Toria to school, come home, decorated a cake, delivered said cake, drank my protein shake. I still have to go to the Bank, go pick up a DVD, go pay rent and go get Toria from school this afternoon. I think right now tho, I am going to climb back into bed and take a nappy poo.

Day 4

Gah. Talk about an uncomfortable feeling. I ate some jello today and I think I got a piece a little too big and it got stuck on the way down. It feels like I have a pill stuck in my throat and it is rather uncomfortable. I have also had ridiculous gas since I got home. Seriously, that can go away at any time now. The diarrhea is really the best tho. LOL All kidding aside, I still feel pretty darn good for all that I have been through. I just went through my first stressful situation with a friend of mine and honestly, want to eat the house down but, can't and surprisingly, I am ok with it. Made myself a little cup of chicken broth, letting go of that anxious feeling of wanting to do something but not being physically able to is good. Honestly, I feel like this is the only way to break the cycle. My hand being forced. I would choke if I ate solid food like I want to. I often think about all of the times that I should have just diverted my attention to something else instead of eating. Would I be where I am now? I think that I would like start to exercise when I want to eat. How awesome would that be? I know I need to start exercising more. I can start now by walking 30 minutes a day. I am going to start that tomorrow. I know, I am the ultimate procrastinator but, I really am. It's on my list of things to do. My therapist told me that I am important enough to care enough about me to do nice things for me, starting now. Ok, pain meds are kicking in and I think I am starting to ramble. LOL

Day 3 Post-Op

I feel incredible! I am taking my Flintstones, drinking my protein shakes and water and rocking this recovery. I feel good! I haven't taken any pain medication except to sleep at night which makes me feel good. However, I am going to take some this morning because I am going to take a shower and take off all the bandages from the 5 incisions that I have! I can't wait to see the incision repair that I got too!! One of my scars from after my gallbladder removal keloided and was big and ugly so, Dr. Merz cut it out and gave me a pretty new scar, I hope! I need some adhesive remover too. I have sticky tape all over my arm from my IV and now, I am going to have it all over my belly from these tegaderms. Oh well. This is so exciting. This is just not going like I had thought it would be and I couldn't be happier about that. I KNOW this is just the beginning but, if I can get my head on right about food, I can do, this! I WILL do this. I am sorry if I keep saying the same shit over and over again, I just have to keep reminding myself that I can do this. I can do this. I can do this!

First night home.

Wow, I am shocked at how great I feel. I really am. I mean, I am wicked tired but, my incisions don't hurt like they did after I had my gallbladder out. After my gallbladder, I had to sleep sitting up for 2 weeks I hurt so badly. Last night, with pillows tucked in the appropriate places, I slept on my side with little discomfort. I am having my first breakfast at home, 1 cup of protein supplement. At least it's chocolate and it tastes good. I feel a bit weird and out of it from all the pain meds that I have been taking but, I haven't had any since 3am and I still feel ok. I look at my belly and I see these 5 incisions and think, what have I done? I finally made a change for me. I did something for me, because I wanted too. I am proud of myself for that. I am learning that what I am going thru is serious mourning. Like, I see a commercial for a big fat hamburger and think, oh, that's what I want and then I remember, oh, you can't have that. And then I just think about how much I would love to but then I also remember how eating like that got me here in the first place. I love food. It never lets me down. It never wrongs me and it always makes me feel better. And, now, I must change my relationship with it. We will be friends, not lovers. I will eat to live, not live to eat. Please, spare any prayers you have for me, I know I will need them.